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Revisiting [Jul. 1st, 2005|09:39 pm]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |Eat me till I scream.]

Well, it has been quite a while since I last posted on this thing. Its not like I havent visited to see what you were all up to, its just that I didnt have the time to update with anything remotely humorous. Still dont. I am just wondering what the rest of you are all up to this summer, someone leave me a comment.
Peace Bitches.
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Welcome all, to the greatest show on Earh. [Feb. 22nd, 2005|09:39 pm]
[Current Mood |gloomyHow much for a trick?]

I was brainstorming recently, actually, just minutes before I began writing this, on ways that we could rid the world of the lower-class. Mostly, Retards. I dont mean any offense to anyone, but if you are a retard, you are most likely not reading this. You are probably playing Pokemon, or dreaming of the days when you could still walk and spit out what you were trying to say in one try.
Retards can be classified into two main categories; Tards, and Fucktards.
Tards are usually those mildly retarded bastards, who are annoying, but not to the point that you wish God would end their suffering, and yours. These people are usually not uncommon, you can find them hanging around infront of Wal-Marts, or having a hanging "Handicap" sticker on their rearview mirrors.
Tards dont usually piss me off. Overall, they have an annoyance rating of about 5/10.
Fucktards are those that have serious issues. You can usually find these "seperate species" of human/primitave monkey race, roaming the streets, with a trail of spittle behind them. They will usually be annoying to the point that you would enjoy killing them by hitting them repeatedly over the head with a Wiffle ball bat. I know I have tried that method, and it is effective. These kind of people enjoy singing "The song that never ends" and masturbating while in front of you. Here is a prime example of a Fucktard below;

Notice the eyes and how they are rolled in the back of his head. This signifies that he is having an orgasim all the time. He is probably listening to some sort of Bill Gates monologue.

These are just a few things to take in mind when you walk in the streets. Also, go to hell.
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Dr. Seuss is a Hypocrit. [Feb. 13th, 2005|04:17 pm]
[Current Mood |tiredOpen Wide]

Well, It has been a long ass time since I last wrote in this. I just didnt feel like writing anything funny for a while, had other things to attend to. Anyway, I guess I will try and write something funny or atleast enjoyable for the rest of you to read.
I guess a lot of you have debated commiting suicide in some point in your lives. Thought about what others would think about or if anyone would cry. We all know that people are fake, and the fact is that people would cry even if they had never spoken a word to you in their entire lives. Why? They either feel the need to feel upset or are upset with themselves in the fact that they never spoke to you.
Here at IrritableBowel, we decided to make things a bit easier on you when you decide to commit suicide, which you all will after reading this post. We decided that the best and most efficient way to do this, was to use a program that you all know and love, Microsoft Word. Our mascot was hard to come by. He stars in many hit programs and it is hard to get a hold of his agent. But finally after nearly 3 months we were able to schedule a meeting with him and got a contract signed with him.

Paperclip will be your helpful assistant in organizing all of those last minute things before you, Hang yourself, posion, drown, jump off a bridge or whore house heart attack. Any of those are acceptable, and Paperclip will be with you until the very end, with helpful advice on matters, such as leaving all your worldly possesions to an illegal alien or putting your family into debt! Its so easy, a retard could do it!
I do appologize for using the words whore, illegal alien and douchebag, but not retard, they deserve it.
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Holy shit Batman! [Feb. 4th, 2005|07:17 am]
[Current Mood |confusedFanta or Sunkiss?]

Well, Its been quite a while since my last post. Yesterday I debated it, but decided that it really wasnt worth it to me to wake up, find a picture and right jargin on this site. So I didnt.
Anyway though, today I have another sorry excuse for a post, something some of our viewers may find funnier than others.
Going on, I feel that the best jobs in the world are, Prostitutes, Religion Heads, and Field Goal Kickers. I like to think that one day, I may become one of those three things, I can only hope. I mean look at it this way, Prostitues get paid like $1000 and hour, just performing a few "tricks." How hard could it be, I see elephants do tricks all of the time. Another good job would to be someone like the Pope. Im not catholic and dont claim to be, but if you look at the Pope, he is a pimp. All he really does, is show up to parties and events, sit in his wheel chair device thing and give away a couple of presents. The Pope doesnt stop there ofcourse, he actually even dribbles while attending, telling me he is either, A. Drugged Out, B. On Medication, C. Retarded, or D. Dead. I like to think that its the last one. Wouldnt it be awesome knowing that the church had been carting a dead body around, preserving it with their own monk salt. Those crafty monks always have a plan.
Lastly is the FG Kicker. Its a reasonably easy job, just showing up to work Monday through Saturdays, and on Sundays just kicking a large, uneven shaped pigskin through 2 skinny yellow poles. Plus he makes six figures if he is any good.
Right now though, I am living a pretty good job of sitting on my ass, writting in my livejournal because I have nothing better to do. Im kind of like Paris Hilton, except, not a slut. (Yet!)
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Wow if you dont scroll down they look like sisters. [Jan. 26th, 2005|10:43 pm]
[Current Mood |frustratedDamn Bitches!]

As of recently, you may have noticed that Diets and other weight-loss strategies are overwhelming. There are so many to chose from, Atkins, exercise, living in africa, etc. Well I have decided that the world needs someone like me, who wont care how they look, as long as they are not overweight. That is why I have devised a new diet, which will be superior to all others in existence.
I would first like to say that I do apologize if this offends you. Later this week I will probably post a disclaimer before my account gets booted. Thank you.
My diet idea is genius, as it WILL make you lose weight, will require no exercise and will save you money. Forget cleaning out your ears people, you do hear me correctly. Here is the commercial for my new Diet:
[Voice of:Tony Little; Professional health adviser and salesman of The Gazelle!]

Have you ever used expensive equipment that caused you serious injury. Did you sue? Good for you! But that isnt why im here today. Im here talking to you through the greatest innovation since sliced bread, to tell you about the new Schmidt Diet. It requires no exercise, so that takes away your chance of injury along with the threat of you causing an earthquake. Next, it will save you money, nearly $3000 a year, depending on how much you eat and commute.
By now some of you may be asking what special equipment we are selling, and how much this equipment will cost. We are selling you absolutely nothing, but if you decide to join, simply join our mailing list at www.1800fatlard.com and we will send you helpful hints along with other people going through with what you are experiencing.
Here it is, the moment you have all been waiting for;
The Schmidt Diet consists of eating absolutely nothing for the rest of your life. Simply put, you have two alternate paths you can go on, one is to starve yourself until you lose all that harmful fat that you have put on your body over the years, although death is possible, and the other is feeding yourself only when necessary, such as a banana in the morning.
Yes, thats right, eat absolutely nothing. Imagine how thin and fit you will be after just 1 week! We guarantee that you will be at least 10 pounds lighter after just one week. So join our mailing list now and receive the gift of what you have always dreamed, a slick, sexy body.

Downsides are: Death, hair loss, death and inability to have sex. Small details to achieve success!
[end commercial]
I here at IrritableBowel do not in fact condone what others may call Anorexia, it is serious and I am just kidding. Heres an image to get you through the day:
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My dog kissed me, and I liked it.... [Jan. 22nd, 2005|05:21 pm]
[Current Mood |highPulling a Ray Charles]

I apologize for my inability to come up with a witty, somewhat sarcastic title today, I am thinking of other things right now, but the post today will be more informative than anything. I decided to post about everyones favorite movie nowadays, Napoleon Dynamite. The story about a somewhat retarded kid who likes to say gosh and tina, come eat your ham.
Most peoples favorite line in the movie is the one about Ligers. A cross breed of Lions and Tigers, breed for magical purposes. Lindsay especially enjoys to rant on about this in 1st hour, to no end. Most people assume that ligers do not in fact exist, making it all the more funny, but in fact, they do.
That is a picture of Hobbs, a captive Liger in some zoo. The reason no one knows about Ligers, is because they do not usually exist in nature, as Lions and Tigers do not usually get it on, and they usually are affected with a disease that unfortunately causes them to grow to large proportions. They are the largest cat around.

That is one big pussy. It took like 3 hours for me to do the shading above its lips.
I too was peer pressured into the movie, which I only could assume was halfway decent from all the publicity it was receiving. After watching it, I could feel the distinction of knowing that I was now dumber than I previously was. Later that week, I learned that my IQ had dropped nearly 15 points, making me legally retarded, I no longer could carry a conversation without stuttering, and to make matters worse, I had lost all the files on my ipod, a disease affecting nearly 1 in 10 computer nerds.
So I did the only thing I could do, I joined a rehab clinic, the Yahoo! club, People Against Napoleon Dynamite Always, or PANDA. A catchy title for a catchy rehab. I was locked away from all pop media and entertainment, along with not being able to talk with the "it" crowd for the remainder of my life. Now I can say that I am no longer caught up in the ND craze...I hope that this was informative for you all.
Eat Shit.
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We put the K in KKK [Jan. 20th, 2005|06:55 pm]
[Current Mood |sadFood Deprevation sucks!]

Well, I am sorry that I was unable to post for most of this week, from border disputes, my enlistment in the army, and computer issues....I just did not feel like it. Anyway, I felt that if I did not write something soon, the whole Livejournal database would crumble from lack of content, so here I am.
So I was trying to think of something to put on the site, and how I had done possibly everything in just a week, but then I thought perhaps I should start my own cult? So I ordered the Start your own Cult! Starter Kit for 69 dollars and was well on my way to hating a race, gender, religion or David Hasselhoff fan. Anyway, I felt that I should have a mascot for my cult, and who better, than the Koolaid man. I was not expecting him to be so enthusiastic about the opportunity, and you can tell from the picture he is blushing with pride at being my new cult mascot! Also, you can tell he is nearly done digesting a 6 year old Hasselhoff fan..

Next came the predicament of naming my clan....I thought long and hard, and decided that I should name it The. Much like The Who, I felt this would make people uncomfortable, causing them to be caught off guard, and made into easier prey. Plus, The is just a kick ass name...
Well, I had a name, a mascot, and a reason for the clan...Now I just needed members! So, I started my recruiting, hypnotizing music pumping from the jukebox on my shoulder, as I headed for the deep south. I reached Grant County about 3 minutes later, finding the perfect breeding ground for my servants. Rednecks, Playa Hatas and Goths were all around, and I found it rather easy to hold an open audition, much like American Idol.
I came out of the audition with a new pride in The, new members eager to hate, and drink koolaid, and it seemed my basement was the perfect location for our clan meetings. We played games of D&D, talked about the good old days of Atari, and how much better Colgate is than Crest at cleaning Tennis shoes. At about 6pm they had to leave, as my parents were done bringing PBJ sandwiches down every hour, and I dare say our devious plans of world domination had stirred the hearts of all there.
Anyway, if you would wish to join, please state your name, address, favorite sex position, along with a nice ass shot, to my comments section, and I will be sure to get back to you.

The next THE clan meeting will be tomorrow at the Holidae Iyn in Compton.
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Avalanche!! [Jan. 16th, 2005|04:30 pm]
[Current Mood |coldFreezing my Balls off]

Well, this morning, my parents attempted to wake my from my hibernation. As they were attempting to drag me out, one of them rhetorically stated that "its snowing outside." This came as a shock to me, as I had not anticipated Gods dandruff falling anywhere near the land of Dry Ridge this weekend. So I proceeded to pack on warm clothes, and prepare for what do best. Frolic. Well, unaware to me, it had snowed nearly 8 feet by the time I had woke up. I took the time to take a picture for you all to see what I am talking about.

Yes the snow was almost as big as the picture, and as you can see on the right, my yellow taxi (come to drive me to Mexico for some Taco Bell) was officially stuck. So what did I do? Well, I did another thing that I am good at, I blew. I blow-dried that snow till my hands were resemblant to Popeye's Chicken. And they taste better.
Well we got out of the driveway to find that a cow had been brutally murdered in front of our driveway. On it, it clearly stated that if we did not pay our taxes, that the evasion company would make our dog pay next. This could not happen! If there is one thing my Taxi cab driver and I love, its our pets, and fares. And we both knew that there would be neither, unless we took the dog with us. So we grabbed Chi-Chi the Chow, and took off, headed straight for Mexico.
We reached the border by the next day, exhausted, money balloons shoved in our behinds (money goes in, crack goes out). The guards let us through, but my driver was held back. He as most drivers are, was Indian, and Mexico is even worse than the US about that kind of stuff. So we left him to rot in the glum of a Mexican prison and went on to our goal of Taco Bell.

Ill continue this later, as its probably going to be long, and I am writing this from a Mexican Internet Cafe. Later.
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Canadians say: "Eh" [Jan. 13th, 2005|06:41 pm]
[Current Mood |goodToo Coo Fo Schoo]

Well welcome to another episode, of the highly addictive, listen to boredom website! But I will be showing something never before seen on this website! No its not Tupperware, not even Spam! Its an Image!!! Yay, praise the lord (theres a hint...) Alright, so today was sad, yet funny at the same time. The sad thing was that this morning a sophomore was found dead at his house. He attended our school, and although I did not know him, I must send my condolences.
But it got me thinking, on this whole lanyard thing, about what would have happened, if he had hung himself with his lanyard, or perhaps, what would Jesus do? So I quickly thought about the possibility of the Feds coming in, taking Mrs. Lamb and frisking her, and then proceeding to do the same to her birds. Joyous thoughts...Then there would be mass chaos, of hillbillies saying "Get R' Done" and adding a gigantic Confederate Flag in place of the old, outdated American Flag. I mean who needs 50 stars? Plus it looks pretty.
Another funny point, would be once Mrs. Lamb arrived at the pen. I imagine her, being bunked with the Bubba of the female Jail, you guessed it, Martha Stewart. At this point, Martha "Bakin Bitch" Stewart, would have moved up from simply fresh fish to the baddest bitch around. Mrs. Lamb would have a hard time getting adjusted to our, mock riots, and the real deal. I imagined Mrs. Lamb getting fought over by 2 women, and Martha saving the day with the line, "Stay away! Thats my Bitch", and Mrs. Lamb simply agreeing.
One day, as a special treat for all of us students, being so good through the adversity of losing a fellow classmate, and a principle in the same week, we would go on a field trip. The trip would consist of us visiting the jail, each getting 5 minutes with her, and then getting to see the progress that she has made. The jail attendant would show us Mrs. Lamb's ability at making a crude knife out of popsicle sticks, and shanking someone, not to mention her ability at faking the "dropped soap" method.
One thing led to another though, and I got to thinking about What Would Jesus Do, in a situation like this. Where man can make one of two equal faults. Make fun of the lanyards through the loss of someone else, or simply use it as an intro to make fun of Mrs. Lamb as much as possible. Then, I found this image, that seemed to fit my long monologue nicely, and I hope you enjoy it. I will write again tomorrow if I get a chance, and Happy Kiss your cousin day to you all!

Jesus Loves LiveJournal
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Personal Note [Jan. 12th, 2005|11:36 pm]
[Current Mood |angry<---- That is one sexy Lemon]

On a more personal note, a certain stalker, (whom a few of us have had run-ins with) has recently deleted her livejournal. I find this amusing as, perhaps, I have ruined a small, obscure portion of her life. Maybe I have forced her to the brink of destruction, dare I say her Teddy Bear will pay? I think I will....
Also I am sorry that I have posted again in the same day, I know thats not the way the livejournal "In crowd" does it, but I am not that now am I. Plus as of recently, lots of things seem to be dropping into my lap, mostly opportunities, and not so much heads....
Well, for that random person that just randomly found my site, I would like to apologize once again for the actions of my peers, and the fact that I write so damn long.
That will be all....
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